Love That Helps You Grow!

1) Step one: Know where you’re headed—not just how you feel.

As the saying goes “love is blind.” Sensei says people can “lose all objectivity when they fall in love” (Discussions on Youth, p. 60). That’s why it is important to pause and ask: 

• Is this relationship helping me become more myself or less? 
• Does my significant other inspire me to work harder at my studies or distract me from them? 
• Is that person my central focus, overshadowing everything else?

In Discussions on Youth, Sensei states clearly: 

If you are neglecting the things you should be doing, forgetting your purpose in life because of the relationship you’re in, then you’re on the wrong path. A healthy relationship is one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams. A relationship should be a source of inspiration, invigoration and hope. (p. 60)

When your direction and purpose are clear, you can see whether the relationship brings you closer to or pulls you farther from your aspirations. 

2) Step two: Encourage each other—don’t consume each other.

Next, one of the biggest traps is confusing intensity with love. When things get intense, everything else gets put to the side—your friends, your goals, your health, even your sense of who you are.

Sensei shares what a healthy partnership actually looks like. It is “one in which two people encourage each other to reach their respective goals while sharing each other’s hopes and dreams” (Discussions on Youth, p. 60).

He cautions:

No matter how much you may appear to be enjoying yourselves now, or how serious you think you are about your relationship, if you allow your love life to consume all your time and energy to the detriment of your growth, then you’re just playing a game. (p. 67)

What’s the key to a winning relationship? As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, author of The Little Prince once wrote, “Love is not two people gazing at each other, but two people looking ahead together in the same direction” (Discussions on Youth, p. 62).

3) Step three: Build inner strength—your relationship will reflect it.

Finally, even if you’re with “the right person,” you still bring your fears, habits and self-worth into the relationship.

The Buddhist principle of the “oneness of life and its environment” teaches that your inner state impacts your external surroundings. So, when you elevate your life, your relationships are elevated too.

Real confidence is built from within—through developing your character, capacity and courage. Your Buddhist practice can help you build a strong inner core and foundation. And what’s more, in your beautiful Soka community, you have good friends who can uplift you in times of confusion or hardship. 

If you’re ever tempted to tolerate less than you deserve, remember Sensei’s words: “Each of you is infinitely precious” (Discussions on Youth, p. 66). A relationship worth having will never require you to betray your dignity or abandon your growth. 

In short, our efforts in our human revolution are what will attract relationships of mutual encouragement and growth. To the extent that we can do this, we can experience the kind of love that Sensei describes:

If you genuinely love someone, then through your relationship with [them], you can develop into a person whose love extends to all humanity. Such a relationship serves to strengthen, elevate and enrich your inner realm of life. Ultimately, the relationships you form are a reflection of your own state of life.

The same is true of friendship. Only to the extent that you polish yourselves now can you hope to develop wonderful bonds of the heart in the future. (Discussions on Youth, p. 65)

—Prepared by the SGI-USA Student Division 

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Peace for All Humankind

Name: Alex Berg
City: Ann Arbor, Michigan 
School: University of Michigan 

Living Buddhism: Hi Alex! Thank you for speaking with us about the University of Michigan campus club. First, how did you begin practicing Buddhism?

Alex Berg: In first grade, I started chanting with my dad before school every day. It became a part of my morning routine, but I really deepened my understanding of Buddhism in my junior year of high school.

What changed then?

Alex: Junior year was tough. I was busy with college applications, SAT/ACTs and four AP classes. At the same time, I got involved in behind-the-scenes activities like Soka Group, which made me want to learn more about the practice and apply it to my life.

What are some benefits you’ve gained?

Alex: There are so many, but the biggest is knowing what to do—what causes to make—to get the outcome I want. It’s been especially helpful when I need to make a big decision or when I’m trying to achieve a certain goal. 

Last year, I went home to Chicago to get my EMT certification. Getting a job as an EMT was difficult, but I was able to make that happen through chanting and making efforts. I also needed a car to get to work and help members get to meetings. I accomplished that too. I’ve learned that every obstacle is an opportunity for me to use my faith and see the power of the Gohonzon.

What are you studying at the University of Michigan? What’s campus life like?

Alex: I’m a pre-med student. Movement science is my major in the School of Kinesiology. When I was choosing schools, I chanted about going somewhere where I could make the most impact and that would be best for my future. I got accepted into several great schools, but eventually chose Michigan because it has one of the best kinesiology programs in the country. I’m really enjoying campus life. My roommates are cool, and we hang out a lot. When I’m not in class, I work full time as an EMT, so I stay pretty busy.

You are the president of the SGI campus club there. What are your meetings like?

Alex: The campus club has been active for many years. My predecessors did a very good job of creating the foundation for the club. We hold monthly meetings that are similar to district discussion meetings. We choose a relevant topic, give a short presentation, then open it up for discussion. If possible, someone shares an experience. Meetings are open to all students, and we promote them through flyers and a mailing list of those who have previously expressed interest. 

Campus clubs serve as a community for members of the student division as well as a starting point for people who are interested in Buddhist practice. We aren’t meant to be the sole place where people are experiencing this Buddhist practice. I think we do a good job of offering pathways for students to get more involved if they want. 

When a student wants to practice, what do you do?

Alex: We get them connected to their district. It helps that my club co-leader and I are also the young women’s division and young men’s division leaders of our district. We are grateful for the men’s and women’s division members in our district for supporting many students who come to the district through campus club meetings. 

Some students have joined the club and then started regularly attending district meetings. Last year, one young woman began coming out consistently after first coming to our campus club.

Why are campus clubs important?

Alex: Many people my age feel powerless to change what’s going on in society and in their personal lives. But as we know, Buddhism teaches that we each have an inherent ability to overcome and change our karma. When students find the confidence and power within, they can become happy. SGI campus clubs at any university are a launching point for fostering the future of the youth division and raising leaders who will carry forward kosen-rufu. 

Do you have any goals for the remainder of your time at the University of Michigan?

Alex: I am determined to get into medical school and become a doctor who can help many people. For the campus club, my goal is that the University of Michigan will become a place where we can raise many youth who can push forward peace for all humankind. 

From the February Living Buddhism